A Love Letter to Luca on My First Mothers' Day

Dear Luca,

I can’t believe you are already a half a year old! In only six short months, you have totally transformed my life. I never knew I could love someone so much. Years ago I read a quote that said “To have a child is to forever have your heart go walking around outside your body.” I cannot believe how true I’ve come to understand these words. I can remember how much I looked forward to meeting you one day when you were nothing more than a figment of my imagination when I looked into your daddy’s eyes when he asked me to marry him…then when you were just 2 blue lines on a stick…and when you were a teensy flicker on an ultra- sound...as you grew to be more recog- nizable as a baby with all your baby parts on that same ultrasound screen...when we saw you sucking your thumb in a 3D scan, and when I watched you move around inside of me the night before you were born…I couldn’t wait to meet this tiny little thing that would change my life in the most enormous way.
I remember being so anxious , excited, and scared at the hospital, but your daddy keeping me calm with all of his jokes and tender touches, I remember hearing all of the surgical speak among the doctors in the operating room and then out of nowhere, I heard your cry – it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. They brought you over to me so I could see you, then you went with Daddy so they could “de-womb” you, check for all of your fingers and toes, and get you ready for all the love and cuddling that was waiting for you from all of the people that had come to be there for your birthday.
I recall how overwhelmed I was at first with how “real” you finally were. I remember how much I would look forward to the quiet time we had together each morning in the hospital where it was just you and me you would fall asleep on my chest after nursing. I cried whispering to you, “I can’t believe I get to be your mommy!” I also remember how scared I was to take you home, wondering how I would ever manage on my own without the nurses, as I needed their help every hour of the day with you, since I was still so weak from the surgery. One especially kind nurse with twins of her own simply smiled, promising me that I would figure it all out. I didn’t believe her then, but, thank God…she was right.
Over the last few months, we’ve really figured each other out. Someone once said “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” You are absolutely that person to me right now and I am humbled to be that person to you. I realize that within a few years, you will figure out that daddy is the fun one, but for now, I love that I’m your favorite. I love the way that you light up every time you see me. I love knowing that I can always calm your crying by feeding you or changing you, or singing to you, or simply holding you close to me. You make me feel like I have super powers or something! I love that, when I scoop you up into my arms with your head on my shoulder, you quickly inch yourself down into my chest until your head is right on my heart. With your thumb in your mouth, you drift off into a beautiful calmness, as though you can actually hear my heart singing to you.
And I knew that having a baby would mean that I would unavoidably lose sleep, but what I didn’t realize was how often I would willingly lose sleep, simply because I couldn’t tear myself away from you, whether it was keeping you with me on the rocking chair for an extra half hour before putting you down for the night, or just standing over you watching you sleep in your crib for a while before I turned in myself, or even because I kept you on my chest for an entire nap during the day, so I had to stay up an extra hour at night to finish doing the laundry. The lullabies that we listen to together at night will forever be my favorite music. You are a little miracle in my arms. Your tiny breath on my skin is blissful, your sneezes and yawns are adorable, and your smiles and laughs are absolutely magical. It’s as though, after the first few months where you could only communicate “I-need” emotions with crying, you have happily found this new language to show me with a simple laugh or smile “I-love-you-so-much-and-you-are-everything-to-me-TOO”!
My world is truly a better place with you in it - I cannot even imagine my life without you. You make me want to be a better person because I want you to look up to me and be proud of me. You make me love your daddy more because he gave me you. You bring me closer to God because he made you healthy. You make me appreciate your grandparents more because I now more fully understand their love and sacrifices for your daddy and me. You make me a better driver because I want to keep you safe. I love you so much that sometimes it actually hurts. Right now, you are this perfect and pure little soul, a blank slate that only knows love and goodness. I watch you with such joy as you discover and study every little new thing in life: my voice, the outdoor air, the sound of your own voice (listening to you sing and talk to yourself, as you are quite entertained by the wide range of sounds you are able to make!), the way you have started to learn how to use your hands, mostly to grab my hair or pajama strap, and how you have just recently found your feet, which will most likely soon end up in your mouth. I can’t wait to teach you about ABC’s, numbers, colors, animals, prayers, and more! What a gift you are giving me to rediscover the beauty and wonders of this amazing world God created for us. And I want to protect you from all of the sadness and hurt in our world. I can’t bear the thought of your first sickness, your first trip to the emergency room, or your first unkind word from another child. I want to protect you from all of these things and I know that I can’t shield you from everything, but I promise you that I will try. And I know that one day you will be a teenager and our love might be tested, but I promise that I will re-read this letter time and time again to remind me how special and perfect our love is right now. Thank you for this beautiful first Mothers' Day, my love bug, my little pumpkin pie, my sweet Baby Luca.

Love,

Your Mommy